Random Conversation with My Kid about Stir Craziness

Snowbound... Day 3 of captivity...

Me: "If I don't get out of this house, my life is going to turn into a Stephen King novel!"

Shan: "I hope it's not Carrie, because pigs blood, ewwww!

Random Conversation with My Kid about Homelessness

I bought an "iHome" docking station for Shan's iPod so that she can use it for an upcoming party.  It's not very big but puts out a good quality sound.  After listening to it for awhile in her den, she skipped into the living room and gleefully exclaimed, "My iPod is so happy! It has a home now! It's not homeless anymore!" (I asked her later if she threw away its cardboard sign and she frogged me.)

Random Conversation with My Kid about the Military Alphabet

Recently, Shannon has been watching the TV series NCIS on DVD, and she has become quite knowledgeable on the military terms that they use on the show.  She has even been using the military alphabet on some of her facebook status updates. We were talking about this on the way home from school today.

Me: “So what is with this military ABC’s thing that you have become obsessed with?”

Shan: “I don’t know! I just think it’s so cool. I have them memorized.  Alpha, Beta, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf…”

Me: “Golf? Like, ‘hit the ball into a hole with a stick’ golf?”

Shan: “Yes. I know, it’s random. Anyway. Where was I before you interrupted? Rude.”

Me: “Sorry. You were on H.”

Shan: “Hotel, India, Juliet…”

Me: “Juliet? Like Romeo and?”

Shan: “Yes, and if you listen you will learn that Romeo is coming up.”

Me: “Oh. Sorry. Go ahead.”

Shan: “Kilo, Lima…”

Me: “Like BEANS?”

Shan: “I. Am. Going. To. Hurt. You.”

Me: “Sorry.”

Shan: “Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform… I can’t remember V.”

Me: “Skip it and keep going.”

Shan: “Whiskey, X-Ray, Yankee, Zulu. What is V?  Sh*t!”

Me: “I doubt that’s it.”

(By the time we got home she remembered it was Victor.) J

Random Conversation with My Kid about Name Brands

Went back-to-school shopping with Shannon today and as usual, we had a blast. Plus we found lots of bargains at Treasure Mart and Ross.

I reminded Shan of a shopping trip about a year ago; we were at one of those “high end” type thrift stores.  I picked up a purse and excitedly said, “GUESS!”  Shan replied: “I got this one. It’s a POCKETBOOK.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Happiness

Took a vacation day today to hang out with Shannon and go to her school orientation. Whether she admits it or not, she likes it when I do this... Later...

Shan: “I am in such a good mood that if you wanted me to walk to the moon, I … well ... wouldn’t because I don’t want to go outside.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Greeters

I was telling Shannon a story about what happened in Walmart tonight.

Me: “As I was walking out, I held up my receipt to the elderly clerk at the door. He said, ‘You have a good day now.’ And I said, ‘You don’t need to check this?’ He replied, ‘You have an honest heart, and you have an honest face. Have a blessed weekend.’”

Shan: “I would have said, ‘You’re kinda creepy. Now I’m gonna leave with all the sh*t I just stole.’”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Dogs

Sitting in the living room with Shan, watching Kaylee the Superpup.

Shan: “She’s been acting real unpuppy-like lately.”

Me: “That’s because she just turned one, which means she is seven in human years.”

Shan: “Aw, that means that when she rides in the car she’ll be like,‘are we there yet, are we there yet?’”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Pop Culture

Tonight Shannon came into the living room when her dad and I were watching an old TV show from the 70s.

Shan: “What’s that show?”

Me: “Kojak.”

Shan: “Wasn’t Kojak the evil dog?”

Me: “That was Cujo.”

Shan: “Ohhh…”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Politicians

A few minutes after the Naiveté chat…

Shan: “What’s for dinner?”

Me: “Pasta.”

Shan: “Red or white sauce?”

Me: “Red.”

Shan: “Ugh. Okay. With meat?”

Me: “It’s not even worth it without the meat. (giggle) That came out wrong!”

Shan: “So you’re naïve and you have a dirty mind. Oh my God, you’re Bill Clinton!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Naiveté

Shan: “You are so naïve sometimes.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Shan: “Our neighbor’s barn caught on fire today.”

Me: “Oh no, are they okay? Wait. Which neighbor?”

Shan: “See what I mean. Naïve.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Patriotism

Walking around Walmart with Shan. For no particular reason, we both start talking to each other using an English accent. (Me pathetically, and her very well. She sounds like Hermione Granger.)

This goes on for several minutes.  Then –

Me: “I just realized something. We are having Talk Like a British Person Day on the FOURTH OF JULY!”

Shan: “I know right? Seems highly unpatriotic.”

We just look at each other, both shrug, chuckle, and say: “Oh well!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Bargains

With Shannon at the Dollar Tree.

Shan: “Why do they sell thongs at the dollar store?”

Me: (noncommittal grunt of not-really-listening)

Shan: “I guess they’re for broke sluts.”

Me: “Everybody deserves a bargain.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Rudeness

With Shan, leaving the checkout line at Walmart. She is tugging on the cart, urging me to come on. I am searching through my purse.

Me: “Just a sec. I’m looking for my keys. AND that clerk’s personality!”

Shan: “You’re gonna need a smaller purse.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Olden Times

Recalling a “debate” that I was having with Shannon recently. She was complaining about being bored, as usual. Also as usual, I went into useless lecture mode about how easy she has it compared to when I was her age.

Me: “When I was your age, I had to work in a tobacco field. Or worse, babysit my bratty little cousins. For 50 bucks a week and I felt like I was rich. I had no computer, much less internet – that wasn’t even invented yet. We didn’t have cable TV, iPods, or cell phones. Texting wasn’t even a word back then. If you wanted to get in touch with a friend, you wrote a letter and put it in the mailbox.”

Shan: “Oh my God! You were Amish???”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Hilarity

Shan went to the movies today with a friend of hers. Later -

Me: “Is Kayla's mom nice?”

Shan: “Yes! She's really nice. I made her laugh a couple of times.”

Me: “That is no surprise. If you're breathing, you're making somebody laugh.”

Shan: “Why? Do I breathe funny??”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Judging

In Target store with Shannon. I am shopping for cleaning supplies and she is bored.

With a sigh, she says, “I'm going over to look at books. Unlike most kids my age, I read.”

Me: “Wow, you are so judgmental. I like that.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Pedestrians

Shan and I were walking through the parking lot to get into the grocery store the other day. As we often do, we exchanged the same-old-same-old verbiage:

Shan: “Slow down.”

Me: “Hurry up.”

Shan: “Gah! You walk too fast.”

Me: “No, I’m old but you’re slow. What’s up with that?”

Or something to that effect…

This particular day, I was trying to encourage her to keep up with me, because as usual, I was in a hurry.

Me: “You see this whole ‘not getting hit by a car’ thing I’m doing? It’s because I am walking FAST.”

Shan: “You know that whole ‘yield to pedestrians’ thing? It’s the LAW in Johnston County.”

Me: “We’re in Harnett.”

Shan: “Oh! Crap!” (walks faster)

Random Conversation with My Kid about Optimism

Working from home today. Shan walks into the living room where I am sitting.

Shan: “Mom, my toilet won’t flush.”

Me: “Okay.”

Shan: “You don’t seem surprised.”

Me: “Nothing surprises me anymore. We need a well pump and my car’s all shot to heck.”

Shan (looking at the puppy lying next to me): “But you still have a dog. And a job. And dad has a job. And I haven’t dropped out of school.”

Me: “Yes, I am glad that I have a teenager with no babies or facial piercings or tattoos.”

Shan: “Oh, but I am getting a tattoo. Want me to show it to you?” (skips off excitedly to get her laptop.)

Me (muttering): “Dear – as usual – Lord.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Bullies

I was in the kitchen, listlessly puttering around and preparing dinner. Shan walked in and noticed my sluggish demeanor.

Shan: “What is wrong with my mommy today?”

Mom: “Oh, I had one of those ‘sit in the bathroom and cry because someone hurt my feelings’ kind of days today.”

Shan: “Who is it, where can I find them and can I hurt them badly? NOBODY makes my mom cry except me!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Choices

I hesitated to post this verbal exchange, as it’s not really an appropriate discussion to have with one’s progeny. However, Shan is 18 now and can’t be taken away from me by Social Services. Sooooo.

The other day, while driving, we played a game, as we usually do. Often it’s “name that tune” or “what’s that movie quote.” However, this time we played “Would you rather.” It’s a risqué game that asks you to pick which celebrity/character you’d “be friends with” (if you get my drift) if you had a chance…

Me: “Would you rather… Rick Castle or the Mentalist guy?”

Shan: “Castle.”

Me: “Would you rather… Angel or Spike?”

Shan: “Spike! Duh!”

Me: “Okay. Edward Cullen or that werewolf guy.”

Shan: “Ugh. You know I loathe all things Twilight. If forced at gunpoint, Jacob. Werewolf. Next.”

Me: “Cartman or Stewie?”

Shan: “OMG Lois! Creepy much?”

Me: “Nixay that one… Jon Bon Jovi or Bret Michaels?”

Shan: “Kurt Cobain.”

Me: “He’s dead.”

Shan: “And yet… Kurt Cobain.”

Me: “Ewwww! Okay. Lucky or Dante, from General Hospital.”

Shan: “Hmmm. Lucky on Friday and Dante on Saturday.”

Me: “*cough*SLUT*cough*”

Shan: “Ha ha Mom. This is your game anyways.”

Me: “Not mine, I found it on TMZ.com’s website.”

Shan: “*cough*WEIRD*cough* … My turn. Tiger Woods or Jesse James? (pause) If forced at gunpoint…”

Me: “Sorry. I’m takin’ the bullet on that one.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Profanity

Leaving the theater the other day after watching Iron Man 2 –

Shan: “Why was that movie rated PG-13? They only said ‘sh*t’ twice during the entire movie. I said ‘sh*t’ more times than that walking in here.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Genetics

Happy Birthday Shan!!

Recalling a conversation we had a couple of weeks ago...

Me: “I realized something about you the other day – you get both your best and worst qualities from your dad and me.”

Shan: (wry look and shrug) “Okay. Like …?”

Me: “You get your beautiful eyes and generous spirit from your dad. You get your great smile from me. Well, he has a great smile too, so you got double-gifted on that one.”

Shan: “Awww, you do both have great smiles.”

Me: “Thanks. As for the badness – you get that mule-headed stubborn streak from your dad. And your insane roller-coaster mood swings…”

Shan: “From you!”

Me: “Well, duh.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Irony

Me: “You contradict everything I say.”

My Kid: “No I don’t.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Shopping

The other day, Shan and I were at the mall. We walked around for a couple of hours and found a few things that we needed but passed over most of the merchandise on display.

After a while, we sat on a bench to rest. (Well, I needed to rest.)

Shan: “Gah! I don't understand why so many kids my age love the mall so much. All this walking around with their nose in the air, spending their daddy's money on overpriced hoodies from name brand stores that scream ‘I'm a poser!’ I'd much rather go to Ross or Walmart.”

Pause.

Me: “I love you!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Dad’s Cooking

As she always does, the other night, my teenager bellowed from her room -

Shannon: “Mom!!! Mom? Mommy, Lois! What's for dinner?”

Me: “Your daddy's putting a chicken on the grill.”

Shannon: “Chicken AGAIN?”

Me: “Well, it's either that or the puppy.”

Shannon: “Nah, I don't want Chinese.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Personalities

Shan and I have some of our best chats while driving. The other day, on the way to school, we somehow got to talking about split personalities.

Me: “A lot of people say they have an ‘evil twin.’ I think I have ‘evil triplets.’”

Shan: “Perhaps you could be on a soap opera, or the latest reality show.”

Me: “I've noticed over the years that people are more interesting if they are nice at the core but also have an evil streak.”

Shan: “I think I'm evil with a nice streak.”

Me: “I think I'm worried now!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Language

Shannon: “Have you ever noticed that English people speak English better than other people speak English?”

Me: “Maybe it’s because they like, invented the language?”

Shannon: “Or maybe because the word 'English' is in their name.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Chasteness

Shannon has been battling a stomach flu for a few days.

Only half-facetiously, I asked her: “You're not pregnant, are ya?”

She gave me a pointed look and then said, “The last time I checked, Jesus had already been born.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Sci-Fi

A few weeks ago, Shannon and I were watching the remake of the science fiction series called V.

SPOILER ALERT –

The aliens, who keep saying that “they come in peace,” are revealed to be lizard-like beings covered with human skin. They’ve been on earth for years, plotting the demise of mankind. Weirdly, one of the reptilian aliens is revealed to be a “good guy.”

Me: “He can’t be a good guy! He’s a lizard and they are cold-blooded.”

Shan: “So are math teachers but that doesn’t mean all of them are evil!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Chicken

Shannon and I were watching the gospel music channel and heard a great song called “Lay Em Down” by a group called NeedToBreathe.

Shannon: “They sound really good. They remind me of Kings of Leon only not ‘Sex on Fire’ and less ‘sacrifice goats to Satan.’”

Me: “Actually, I think that was chickens in that video.”

Shannon: “I wonder if Satan is like ‘gosh I have chicken too much.’”