Random Conversation with My Kid about Acronyms

Last night I was complaining to Shannon about my increasing lack of memory cells…

Me: “I have AMAS (pronounced ‘a-mass.’)”

Shannon: “You have a Catholic church service?”

Me: “No! It’s an acronym. Advanced Middle Age Syndrome. Okay then - AMAS. (pronounced this time as ‘a-maz.’)”

Shannon: “You have a birthing class??”

Me: “That’s Lamaze!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Movies

While driving home from a school event one evening, Shannon and I played one of our favorite “car games” – Name That Movie Quote.

Shannon: “Me first. ‘Come with me if you want to live!’”

Me: “Terminator.”

Shannon: “Nooooo. Casper!”

Me: “Well it was in Terminator first.”

Shannon: “But Casper made it more adorable.”

Me: “Okay, whatever. My turn. ‘I got two pickles, I got two …’”

Shannon: “The Little Rascals!”

Me: “I didn’t even get to the good part.”

Shannon (rolls eyes): “My turn. ‘Inconceivable!’”

Me: “The Princess Bride!”

Shannon: “I think we’ve played this game too many times. Dude. We need a new game, seriously.”

Me: “I got one you won’t remember. ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, doo doo doo doo.’”

Shannon (sighing, bored now): “Lion King.”

Me: “Okay, I give up. New game. Whatcha got?”

Shannon: “Name 25 reasons why Buffy is better than Twilight.”

Me: “Only 25?? I’ll bite, pardon the pun.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Political Correctness

Shannon and I have both been stranded at home with terrible bronchitis. Too much togetherness inevitably leads to bickering sometimes. Then hugs. And then more bickering.

Anyway, I decided to delve into the details of her personal life. Always risky but I was bored.

Me: “You still seein' that Indian boy?”

Shan: “It's NATIVE AMERICAN. We do not say INDIAN. Mother.”

Me: (rolls eyes) “Whatever. And it's not MOTHER. It's MATERNAL UNIT.”

Shan: (frogs me)

It was deserved...

Random Conversation with My Kid about Children

Saturday afternoon - Sitting at Hibachi restaurant with Shannon. We are enjoying the last part of our meal (the ice cream!) when suddenly she makes an “ugh” sound of intense displeasure.

It doesn’t take long to realize that she is once again annoyed at the sound of a crying child. She and I have had this discussion many times in the past couple of years. You know the one, the whole “why don’t people leave their children with grandma or a babysitter before coming out into a public place where other humans are trying to enjoy some moo goo gai pan?”

In the past I have patiently tried to explain to her teenaged brain that once upon a time, SHE was an infant and then a toddler and so forth. There have been times, although not very many, that she caused a scene in a public place. Furthermore, not all children are fortunate enough to have a grandma or sitter or whatnot and just have to come out with the moms and/or dads. Life just “is” that way.

As we have discussed ad nauseum - one day, when she has kids of her own she will learn all of these very important things. But instead of reiterating that lecture I simply say: “That’s going to be you one day.”

She replies, “Crying like a banshee because I just wet myself??”

(Sorry Will Smith, but it’s the KIDS who “just don’t understand.”)

Random Conversation with My Kid about Work

Thinking about a chat I had with my daughter last night around 11:30. We had been watching TV together and having a blast, catching up with “Bones” and the new shows “Community” and “Eastwick.” We strangely have similar tastes in television, although I digress…

Anyways, I was tired and said, “I have to go to bed. Got to get up early in the morning and go to work.” (Insert big sigh here.)

She responded: “Yes, because that whole job-having thing that you’ve got? That is awesome, especially in this economy. Right, mom?”

Needless to say, she put me in my place. I am now sitting in this very quiet office early on a Friday morning and very thankful to be here!

Random Conversation with My Kid about Vampires

Sitting in the living room with my daughter, once again complaining that there is less than nothing to watch on television. This leads to a lively discussion of our very favorite TV show ever – Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  We’re exchanging “quotable quotes” and replaying our favorite scenes. Lots of laughter and “remember this one” ramblings ensue. Later…

Me: “Have you noticed that the worst Buffy episode ever is still better than half the crap that’s on TV now?”

Shan: “Have you noticed that everyone is talking about how vampires are suddenly ‘in’? Helloooo? Buffy came out ten years ago.”

Me: “Twelve actually. Bandwagon missed by over a decade, ye olde merry media thou.”

Shan: “As Buffy would say, ‘Pathetic much?’”

Me: “Yep. That True Blood on HBO is just vampire porn.”

Shan: “No ‘wonderful world of vampire slayage’ and not a single witty pun?”

Me: “Too busy screwin’ to make puns.”

Shan: “Mom! Teenager sitting exactly right here. Gah!”

Me: “Whoops, sorry. Anyway, the Sookie Stackhouse books the show’s based on aren’t much better either.”

Shan: “Speaking of bookage… Don’t even get me started on how boring the Twilight series is… wait, I think I just fell asleep thinking about it.”

Me: “As Buffy would say, ‘Color me surprised.’  I thought the Bella/Edward bandwagon was a must-do for your age group.”

Shan: “Make me yak… You know what would be really cool? It they could cross genres.”

Me: “Shrug?”

Shan: “If they could bring Buffy and all the gang back, but instead of going to Sunnydale, they’d go to Forks and slay all the Cullens. They could recruit Jacob to the Scoobies!”

Me: “That’d be awesome. Then they could go to Hollywood and wipe out every single one of those celebretards on reality TV. I’d upgrade my cable to see that.”

Shan: “That’s it…. I’m writing Joss Whedon. AND Joel McHale.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Architecture

We were driving through Angier for the first time in a while and noticed the new ABC store on main street. Seriously? It’s huge.

Shannon said, “Dang. Because we WANT to see our liquor stores from OUTER freaking SPACE. Geesh!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about the News

Sitting in the living room and the telly is on as usual. When it's turned on, it defaults to the channel 14 news and no one has moved it to another station yet.

After a few minutes, Shannon says, “This is why I don’t like to watch the news: Death. Death. Explosion. Rapist. Didn't anything GOOD happen in the world today? I'm going back to my room where TV is happy and full of sitcoms and SpongeBob.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Harry Potter

Fun movie day with my kid. Harry Potter and Friends are as fabulous as usual.

Shan says: “Less magic, more angst. Kinda like Degrassi, but with wands.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Television

Sitting in the living room with my kid, trying to find something to watch on television. We have basic cable and hundreds of channels – you’d think there would be something watchable, yes? Shannon has the remote control and is flipping the channels.

Shan: “Omigod! Why is there nothing on TV except fame ‘hos and celebretards??”

Me: “Well, I’m sure there are biographies of recently deceased iconic figures.”

Shan: “I don’t think the infomercial guy was considered iconic, mom.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Pop Music

Sitting in the living room with my kid, talking about “today's” so-called train-wrecky “popular” music. Since I abhor about 99% of the crapfest that comes out amongst the airwaves these days, Shannon is surprised to hear me say -

Me: “I really like that new Black Eyed People song.”

Shan: “It's Black Eyed PEAS, Mom. And ewww. That song has dumb lyrics.”

Me: (consulting Google): “How can you not dig these words? ‘I like that boom boom pow them chicken jackin my style they try to copy my swagger I'm on that next sh*t now.’”

Shan: “I think I just had an aneurysm. Did you just say DIG??”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Marriage

This morning I was whining to Shannon about how her dad keeps asking me to get in the pool, even though I have no interest in it at all. (Can't swim.)

She said, “He just wants you to have fun because he loves you. And isn't marriage supposed to be about accommodation, compromise, and that kinda stuff?”

I snorted, “Who told you THAT?”

Cheerily she replied, “I think God said it. Or maybe Oprah.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Paternity

With My Kid, watching the VH1 100 Greatest Songs of the 80's. The song “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson is number four.

Kid: “You know when you think about it, ‘Billie Jean’ is kind of a creepy song.”

Me: “Two words - paternity test.”

Kid: “Mom, it was the 80s. Paternity wasn't invented yet.”

Me: “The dinosaur stork stopped bringing the babies in the late seventies.”

Kid: “Huh. Yet another myth dispelled.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Boys

Out shopping with my teenager today. A very nice young man helped us find something (yes, in Walmart! I promise this is not fiction.)

Anywho... I said to Shannon, “I like guys who are soft-spoken, all ‘yes ma'am and no ma'am-ish.’”

Her reply: “I like guys who smoke cigarettes, have tattoos, and make fun of authority figures. Are you sure we're related??”

Random Conversation with My Kid about the Past

Today is Shannon's birthday so it's time to do what we usually do... reminiscence! Oh yes, and cake too... In Shan's case, Chinese food is also a must.

Here are my favorite "Shannon-isms" from the years past:

Shan was proud of herself for learning this at pre-school - "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the giant snakes of America." (age 3)

After playing in the rain: "I got soaked in wet today!" (age 4)

After stumping her toe walking to class on her first day of kindergarten - "Ow, my big toe thumb hurts!" (age 5)

Waving good-bye after I dropped her off at Nana's: "See you in the 'morrow." (age 6)

We were at Roses store and they were having a sidewalk sale. A few weeks later we went back to that same store and Shan said, "Look mom, they're having a cement sale again." (age 7)

I finally got a car with one of those auto-door-opener thingys. Shannon was holding the car keys and looking at the icons. She asked, "Is this the button for the shed?" I said, "No that is for the trunk." She said, "Whatever, they both hold junk." (age 8)

Sitting at the bus stop one morning at 6:00. I told Shan to wait in the car with me but she wanted to get out. After a few minutes she said, "Hmm. It's dark. It's rapist dark!" She got back in the car and waited for the bus! (age 13)

There are at least a thousand more that I have forgotten...

Happy birthday to my sweet, funny girl!