Random Conversation with My Kid about Rudeness

With Shan, leaving the checkout line at Walmart. She is tugging on the cart, urging me to come on. I am searching through my purse.

Me: “Just a sec. I’m looking for my keys. AND that clerk’s personality!”

Shan: “You’re gonna need a smaller purse.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Olden Times

Recalling a “debate” that I was having with Shannon recently. She was complaining about being bored, as usual. Also as usual, I went into useless lecture mode about how easy she has it compared to when I was her age.

Me: “When I was your age, I had to work in a tobacco field. Or worse, babysit my bratty little cousins. For 50 bucks a week and I felt like I was rich. I had no computer, much less internet – that wasn’t even invented yet. We didn’t have cable TV, iPods, or cell phones. Texting wasn’t even a word back then. If you wanted to get in touch with a friend, you wrote a letter and put it in the mailbox.”

Shan: “Oh my God! You were Amish???”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Hilarity

Shan went to the movies today with a friend of hers. Later -

Me: “Is Kayla's mom nice?”

Shan: “Yes! She's really nice. I made her laugh a couple of times.”

Me: “That is no surprise. If you're breathing, you're making somebody laugh.”

Shan: “Why? Do I breathe funny??”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Judging

In Target store with Shannon. I am shopping for cleaning supplies and she is bored.

With a sigh, she says, “I'm going over to look at books. Unlike most kids my age, I read.”

Me: “Wow, you are so judgmental. I like that.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Pedestrians

Shan and I were walking through the parking lot to get into the grocery store the other day. As we often do, we exchanged the same-old-same-old verbiage:

Shan: “Slow down.”

Me: “Hurry up.”

Shan: “Gah! You walk too fast.”

Me: “No, I’m old but you’re slow. What’s up with that?”

Or something to that effect…

This particular day, I was trying to encourage her to keep up with me, because as usual, I was in a hurry.

Me: “You see this whole ‘not getting hit by a car’ thing I’m doing? It’s because I am walking FAST.”

Shan: “You know that whole ‘yield to pedestrians’ thing? It’s the LAW in Johnston County.”

Me: “We’re in Harnett.”

Shan: “Oh! Crap!” (walks faster)

Random Conversation with My Kid about Optimism

Working from home today. Shan walks into the living room where I am sitting.

Shan: “Mom, my toilet won’t flush.”

Me: “Okay.”

Shan: “You don’t seem surprised.”

Me: “Nothing surprises me anymore. We need a well pump and my car’s all shot to heck.”

Shan (looking at the puppy lying next to me): “But you still have a dog. And a job. And dad has a job. And I haven’t dropped out of school.”

Me: “Yes, I am glad that I have a teenager with no babies or facial piercings or tattoos.”

Shan: “Oh, but I am getting a tattoo. Want me to show it to you?” (skips off excitedly to get her laptop.)

Me (muttering): “Dear – as usual – Lord.”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Bullies

I was in the kitchen, listlessly puttering around and preparing dinner. Shan walked in and noticed my sluggish demeanor.

Shan: “What is wrong with my mommy today?”

Mom: “Oh, I had one of those ‘sit in the bathroom and cry because someone hurt my feelings’ kind of days today.”

Shan: “Who is it, where can I find them and can I hurt them badly? NOBODY makes my mom cry except me!”

Random Conversation with My Kid about Choices

I hesitated to post this verbal exchange, as it’s not really an appropriate discussion to have with one’s progeny. However, Shan is 18 now and can’t be taken away from me by Social Services. Sooooo.

The other day, while driving, we played a game, as we usually do. Often it’s “name that tune” or “what’s that movie quote.” However, this time we played “Would you rather.” It’s a risqué game that asks you to pick which celebrity/character you’d “be friends with” (if you get my drift) if you had a chance…

Me: “Would you rather… Rick Castle or the Mentalist guy?”

Shan: “Castle.”

Me: “Would you rather… Angel or Spike?”

Shan: “Spike! Duh!”

Me: “Okay. Edward Cullen or that werewolf guy.”

Shan: “Ugh. You know I loathe all things Twilight. If forced at gunpoint, Jacob. Werewolf. Next.”

Me: “Cartman or Stewie?”

Shan: “OMG Lois! Creepy much?”

Me: “Nixay that one… Jon Bon Jovi or Bret Michaels?”

Shan: “Kurt Cobain.”

Me: “He’s dead.”

Shan: “And yet… Kurt Cobain.”

Me: “Ewwww! Okay. Lucky or Dante, from General Hospital.”

Shan: “Hmmm. Lucky on Friday and Dante on Saturday.”

Me: “*cough*SLUT*cough*”

Shan: “Ha ha Mom. This is your game anyways.”

Me: “Not mine, I found it on TMZ.com’s website.”

Shan: “*cough*WEIRD*cough* … My turn. Tiger Woods or Jesse James? (pause) If forced at gunpoint…”

Me: “Sorry. I’m takin’ the bullet on that one.”